This is from a letter I wrote to my brother this fall. This is to help me remember.
"Oh, remember these words, and keep my commandments. Remember, this is your gift." -D&C 8:5
"It was a pretty rough summer for me. I pretty much hit rock bottom. Having babies hasn't been too hard for me, but with Alaina, things were a bit different. She is an incredible baby. She is so happy and spunky. You will absolutely love her! Things went really smoothly with her delivery and bringing her home was all good. The kids adore her. The problem was more with me. I got postpartum depression pretty bad. Hormones can be very unforgiving. Basically, I felt worthless. I felt like my kids deserved so much better than me; that I would never be a good enough mom. I was angry all the time, I was crying all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy, and this was going on for months. It got to the point one day where the three kids were fighting and crying, Alaina was crying, and I almost put Alaina in her crib and walked out on my children. I don't know what my plan was or where I was thinking I would go, but it would not have been good. I was convinced that my children were better off without me. I am so grateful that I didn't leave that day; it was as if there was some force that kept me sitting, glued to the couch. I sat there for hours, just sobbing and fighting this internal battle. It literally felt like I had the voice of Satan screaming in my ear how evil and awful I was; then very far away, there was a tiny voice inside me telling me not to listen, that I knew those things were lies, but it was so hard to drown out that other voice. Joe gave me a blessing casting out Satan, and things began to get better. In addition to that, our mother was my angel. She saved me. She saved me in a way that only she could. I don't think I could have survived through this without her. She would call me and talk to me every couple hours. I would call her and talk to her when I didn't think I was going to survive the day. How blessed we are to call such an angel woman our mother! Words cannot express my gratitude for her unfailing, Christ-like love. She's taught me what it means to be a mother, what my purpose is, and why it's important.
Slowly, day by day, week by week, things started getting better. I've used the Atonement for a lot of different struggles, but I felt like this struggle had higher stakes attached. Christ eased my burdens and gave me strength when I needed it most. Every day wasn't suddenly perfect, but it did get better as I listened to this Spirit and did the things I felt prompted to do. Now, I think I feel normal again, but it definitely took a while to get here."
Now, I look back at this, and I remember how real it was, but it also feels like a dream. It was a different me; someone who was drowning and lost. I am amazed that people endure those things every single day. I pray that God comforts them as he did me - that they reach out to Him and find the comfort and help that I know only He can offer.
"Oh, remember these words, and keep my commandments. Remember, this is your gift." -D&C 8:5
"It was a pretty rough summer for me. I pretty much hit rock bottom. Having babies hasn't been too hard for me, but with Alaina, things were a bit different. She is an incredible baby. She is so happy and spunky. You will absolutely love her! Things went really smoothly with her delivery and bringing her home was all good. The kids adore her. The problem was more with me. I got postpartum depression pretty bad. Hormones can be very unforgiving. Basically, I felt worthless. I felt like my kids deserved so much better than me; that I would never be a good enough mom. I was angry all the time, I was crying all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy, and this was going on for months. It got to the point one day where the three kids were fighting and crying, Alaina was crying, and I almost put Alaina in her crib and walked out on my children. I don't know what my plan was or where I was thinking I would go, but it would not have been good. I was convinced that my children were better off without me. I am so grateful that I didn't leave that day; it was as if there was some force that kept me sitting, glued to the couch. I sat there for hours, just sobbing and fighting this internal battle. It literally felt like I had the voice of Satan screaming in my ear how evil and awful I was; then very far away, there was a tiny voice inside me telling me not to listen, that I knew those things were lies, but it was so hard to drown out that other voice. Joe gave me a blessing casting out Satan, and things began to get better. In addition to that, our mother was my angel. She saved me. She saved me in a way that only she could. I don't think I could have survived through this without her. She would call me and talk to me every couple hours. I would call her and talk to her when I didn't think I was going to survive the day. How blessed we are to call such an angel woman our mother! Words cannot express my gratitude for her unfailing, Christ-like love. She's taught me what it means to be a mother, what my purpose is, and why it's important.
Slowly, day by day, week by week, things started getting better. I've used the Atonement for a lot of different struggles, but I felt like this struggle had higher stakes attached. Christ eased my burdens and gave me strength when I needed it most. Every day wasn't suddenly perfect, but it did get better as I listened to this Spirit and did the things I felt prompted to do. Now, I think I feel normal again, but it definitely took a while to get here."
Now, I look back at this, and I remember how real it was, but it also feels like a dream. It was a different me; someone who was drowning and lost. I am amazed that people endure those things every single day. I pray that God comforts them as he did me - that they reach out to Him and find the comfort and help that I know only He can offer.
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