Have Your Head Examined

Have you ever woken up from a dream and wished you could go back to sleep? While I was asleep I was comfortable and pain-free. Waking up, on the other hand, was jarring and painful, the kind of pain that could not be ignored. I gradually gleaned a synopsis of my condition, though I'm sure it had to be explained to me many times. An artery connecting to my right ovary had ruptured causing extensive internal bleeding. During surgery number one they opened me up horizontally, hip to hip, and removed the ovary in an attempt to stop the bleeding. After another CT scan, they quickly realized that the problem had not been solved, which was when I was life-flighted to the University of Utah hospital. Here, they performed surgery number two and opened me up vertically, sternum to pelvis. They removed all my organs (hence my dad's wise-crack about 'letting it all hang out') filled my abdominal cavity with saline and began pulling out blood clots (one nurse said some were so big...

Vomit. That was the first sensation I remember. The acrid residue of bile filled my mouth, tasting vaguely of cheeseburger, but I felt confused--I didn't remember throwing up. The second sensation was pretty close to follow. Pain. Paralyzing pain burned through my abdomen. I remembered the words that the doctor told me right before the anesthesia took over, "You may wake up without your uterus." Well, I guess they took it, I told myself. I tried to take in my surroundings, but there wasn't much that could pull my brain away from the screaming pain inside me. I heard my dad's voice say, "Could we give her a blessing before she goes?" It was familiar. It was comforting. My dad was there. It seemed like he'd left the hospital only minutes before. Then, I heard my Joe's voice. I wanted to see his face and hold his hand. I opened my eyes, but everything was fuzzy and dark. Then, I felt my Joe's hands, not in my own, but on my head. His voice com...

After Olivia was born, and Joe and I had a little bit of sleep, we began discussing middle names. I was pretty set on Ruth. I love the story of Ruth in the Bible, and when I was an infant my dad mentioned Ruth in my baby blessing. She's a woman that I really admire. However, Joe mentioned that he'd been reading in Isaiah and the word "joy" had jumped out at him. "What do you think about Olivia Joy?" he asked. "Hmm," I said, "I'll need a little bit to think about it." And we left it at that. My parents came to visit us at the hospital around 11:00 a.m. as I was nursing Olivia for the third time. She was concealed beneath my nursing cover, so they patiently waited to see grand-baby number 9. When Olivia had finished and I handed her to my mom, my heart felt so full seeing the look of pure love in my mother's eyes. There was something incredible about seeing the woman who taught me pure love, love my baby. A few moments later, I ...

I think one of the most nerve-wracking parts about giving birth is knowing when you are in labor; ironically, the spontaneity of it all keeps things interesting and fun. The one thing I refuse to do is go to the hospital thinking I'm in labor, and then get sent home. (That happened with our son and I swore I'd never do it again. Talk about torture! Not to mention that all patience leaves when that happens.) With each child, I think my body has started preparing for labor earlier and earlier. Contractions (albeit mostly Braxton Hicks) start days, and even weeks before the actual time arrives. This pregnancy was no different. At about 36 weeks I went in for an appointment and my Group B Strep test, and I was dilated to 4 cm. I knew, however, that this didn't mean much. My body would hang on to this baby until the end. Benjamin was my earliest baby and he came only 6 days before his due date. I told myself that I wasn't in any rush; this baby could stay in there as long as...

I've put off the impression to write for a while now, but today, I've decided it's time. On February 14th of this year, my husband and I found out that we were expecting our 5th child. We were stunned. Well, let me clarify: I was stunned. After our fourth baby, around the time she was six months old, I hit a pretty jarring rock bottom with postpartum depression. To read more about it, go to  Remember, This Is Your Gift . After going through that I would just look at Joe and say, "There's no way I can have more babies. I was so lost and it scared me." He would look at my sympathetically, but I could tell that idea wasn't sitting right with him. His simple reply was always, "Well, we don't have to make that decision right now. Let's just wait and see." It wasn't that I didn't want more children, it's just that I really questioned my ability to handle more. When we decided to add a fourth child, I felt the impression so strongl...

As I looked back on everything that happened during 2017, my initial reaction was one of relief that the year was over. I started taking a mental inventory of all the challenging things I'd gone through. When I'd finished, I was depressed, and once again, felt relief that the year was over. After stewing on this for a few days, I was frustrated by my feelings about the last year of my life.  Was it a waste? Had it all been challenges? Could I find no light at all? I believe that we will find what we look for. If you look for obstacles you will find them; if you acknowledge your blessings, you will recognize them. So, in an effort to express my gratitude to God for the last year of my life, I'm creating the top 12 list for 2017 (10 just wasn't going to cut it!). 12. Personal Finance and Self-Reliance facilitator This fall I had the opportunity to be a facilitator in a self-reliance program sponsored by our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I ...

Tonight I'm feeling impressed to write about an experience that pushed me pretty close to my breaking point. It is still about a month fresh. I have one son. He brings me so much joy. He and I have a wonderful relationship. He is a boy; he is crazy, energetic, happy, somber, serious, playful, thoughtful, protective, and loving. It makes me crazy and yet melts my heart when he says, "Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM, MOM...," in increasing volumes in an attempt to get my attention. When I finally say, "WHAT?!" he gets very serious and says, "I love you mom." He goes out of his way to make sure that I know he loves me, and helps me remember to seize opportunities to express my love to my children. On Tuesday, November 14th I held Joy School at my house. We have a group of 5 kids that get together and learn how to learn. It was my turn to give the lesson and activities that week. Joy School ended at 11. Around 12:15 my mother-in-law came over to watch my kids so I ...