As I looked back on everything that happened during 2017, my initial reaction was one of relief that the year was over. I started taking a mental inventory of all the challenging things I'd gone through. When I'd finished, I was depressed, and once again, felt relief that the year was over. After stewing on this for a few days, I was frustrated by my feelings about the last year of my life. Was it a waste? Had it all been challenges? Could I find no light at all?
I believe that we will find what we look for. If you look for obstacles you will find them; if you acknowledge your blessings, you will recognize them. So, in an effort to express my gratitude to God for the last year of my life, I'm creating the top 12 list for 2017 (10 just wasn't going to cut it!).
12. Personal Finance and Self-Reliance facilitator
This fall I had the opportunity to be a facilitator in a self-reliance program sponsored by our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I chose the personal finance class because finances are a part of our lives every day and I think it's always a good idea to brush up on or re-learn basic core principles in anything you do. Over the course of this 12 week program I was able to face a really hard struggle within myself. I think because I am a stay-at-home mom, I can sometimes question the importance of my purpose. The course asked us to picture where we'd be in 5 years. I sarcastically thought, "Well, I'll probably be doing the exact same thing that I'm doing now: cleaning dirty dishes, dealing with large piles of laundry, and grappling with weekly meal planning." For a few days I became a little bit depressed and cynical about my role in our home. I felt invisible. Everything I do for my family gets undone with incredible speed. Being a mother doesn't earn you a lot of praise and accolades. More often than not, I'm just tired and willing myself to do the jobs that I've already done a thousand times over. Through a bit of a self-discovery process, and the support of my own mother, I realized that I can look at being a mother one of two ways: 1) as a slave to ungrateful people and never ending lists of to-dos, errands, and monotonous tasks that I don't enjoy OR 2) as a shaper of a happy and thriving home, that is a haven for my children and husband where they always feel safe and loved. I chose the latter. I am blessed and grateful that I was able to make that choice. So, I hit my knees and started asking my Heavenly Father for the gifts I need to be able to fulfill this role the way that he would have me do it. It's drawn me closer to Him, and changed even the way I view the most mundane of tasks.
11. My cyst
This summer, I developed a cyst in my left breast that continued to grow and became extremely painful. After ruling out that it wasn't a tumor, I grappled with how to just live with it. It grew more and more painful every day and nursing my baby became almost unbearable. My husband and I had a consultation with a surgeon to see what could be done, and if it could actually be removed. The surgeon told me that as long as I was still nursing there wasn't anything that he could do to help me. If I was still nursing and he performed the surgery, it could rupture a milk duct and then cause complications with my milk leaking out the incision, and never allowing it to heal. We both left that consultation feeling sick. We didn't know what to do; no realistic solutions were presenting themselves. Not 24 hours later, the cyst ruptured on its own as I was nursing the baby. After extensive treatment here at home with oils and Redmond Clay, the cyst went away completely. During this process my baby weaned herself. While this may not sound like a blessing, two months later, when my son was admitted to the hospital for almost a week, I could see the hand of the Lord in preparing us for that trial. Had I needed to nurse my baby and try to be there for my son at the same time I can only imagine the disaster that would have caused. Instead, I was blessed with the peace of mind that I could be with him when I needed to.
10. Postpartum depression
I've talked a little bit about my postpartum issues before, so I'll try not to belabor this too much. I think the biggest blessing that came out of this was empathy. I never understood mental illness before I experienced this. I've always been a "pull up by the bootstraps" kind of person. I had no idea how debilitating and crushing it can be. I know people that struggle with all different kinds of mental illnesses, and these people are my heroes. It leaves me in complete awe that they endure the constant struggle that they do every single day. Mental illness is very real to me now, and I'm very grateful that that reality has been able to replace frustration with empathy and understanding.
9. Saturday's Warrior
In the midst of the postpartum issues, I was able to participate in a small production of a musical called Saturday's Warrior. To a certain extent, this helped me heal. It helped me remember who I am and joys that I had forgotten. It helped me remember that it is important to do things that make me happy.
8. Announcement of the Saratoga Springs temple
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced a temple was coming to our city. I love serving in the temple. I worked my whole life to ensure that I would be able to participate in the blessings of the temple. I was married and sealed for eternity to my best friend in the temple. I have taken the names of deceased ancestors to the temple to give them the opportunity to accept the faith that has brought my life so much joy. The news that we would have the blessings of a temple even closer than we already do somehow confirmed in my mind that this is where God wants us right now. We are in the right place at the right time; that confirmation has brought me an immense amount of peace.
7. Falling in love with baking again
Since July of this year, I've been getting sick on a regular basis with severe stomach pain and other issues that accompany that. One of the things that I felt impressed to do was start making and eating natural yeast bread again. It is a bit of a process to make natural yeast bread because it takes at least a whole day, sometimes two. After having my baby, it was just something I'd never gotten back to. After praying about what I could do to help my body, I felt impressed to start making this bread again. Now, not only is my family eating healthy, delicious bread again, but I have rediscovered my love of baking. It really makes me happy to make good food!
6. Mountain biking
I went on a mountain biking adventure with my brother and his wife, my dad, and my baby sister. It was a blast. I loved it. I like doing things I've never done before (I'd only gone once before this). I love that feeling of accomplishment when you survive something you weren't sure you could (haha - theme of the year, right?!), but you have the satisfaction that says, "Yep, I totally just did that!" It helps me realize that maybe I shouldn't be so worried about how things are going to turn out before I even try them.
5. Abigail's broken arm
I'm trying harder to trust my children and give them the benefit of the doubt. Abigail is a pretty self-aware little girl with a high pain tolerance and a love of life. The office at her school called me to tell me she'd fallen off some playground equipment and she was saying that her arm hurt. I'm sure they see injuries like this all the time with kids who have quite a flair for drama. They told me they gave her some ice to put on it, but that they were pretty sure she'd be fine. When I asked if I could speak with her, as soon as I heard her little voice I knew that she wasn't just being dramatic. I asked her if she thought I needed to come and pick her up and she said, "Yes mommy, please come get me." I am still relieved that I listened to her. As soon as I picked her up she didn't complain, whine, or cry; she simply told me she needed to go see a doctor. I think that was her way of expressing gratitude that I'd believed her. We took her to the InstaCare and she'd broken through both bones in her arm. When the doctor came in to tell her, she looked at me with eyes shining and said, "Well, this will be a new and exciting experience for me!" She amazes me. She is so positive and happy even when she's just received not-so-sunny news. I hope I can be just like her when I grow up. I got a glimpse of a beautiful side of her divine nature. She is such a gift to me and to our family.
4. Benjamin in the hospital
I've written about that experience before, so once again, let's not belabor this. Going along with the theme of number 5, seeing my son in the hospital gave me the chance to see just how strong my little man is. More than that, however, I was given the gift of service. So many people willingly reached out and asked what they could do for our family over and over again. Many people brought us meals, a group of women cleaned and organized our home, people came to visit and take care of us. Words are not adequate to express the gratitude we have felt to those who extended their hands out toward our family. My sweet husband said it best when he said, "You have the most wonderful friends, Love! This kind of Christ-like service makes me weepy because it's pure goodness. This is the cleanest our house has been since before all the kiddos started getting sick. What an awesome thing! I hope they all get drowned with blessings." To think that some people say that angels aren't real...
3. Blessing Alaina
Although welcoming this sweet baby into our family didn't go as smoothly as I imagined, it doesn't make me an ounce less grateful that she is here. The pure innocence and beauty of babies has always testified of a Father in Heaven who is so full of light and goodness; that he lets someone as clumsy and sullied as me be a mother still makes me wonder exactly what he's thinking. Her blessing day was a beautiful one. We were surrounded by people that loved us and that celebrated this pure little spirit with us. It was a beautiful day.
2. Finishing the Book of Mormon as a family
This was a blessing that was four years in the making. It was a struggle, but we did it! Reading scriptures with kids can often be chaos. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to grasp for something spiritual, it doesn't happen. However, with regard to this blessing I can testify that it will only bear fruit through consistency. I want my children to know God. I have a husband who shares and supports that same endeavor. United, we've chosen to make it a priority and it was such a sweet day when we knew that we hadn't been perfect, but we'd been as consistent as possible. Then, the next day, we started over! The good news is, that on our second go around, we are on track to finish in half the time of the first go around. Progress!
1. Clara's Baptism
This summer I got a glimpse of what it will be like when this sweet little girl leaves home. Ultimately, you do all you can to teach your children discernment, kindness, strong work ethic, wise decision making, morality, closeness to God, service, a desire to be good, and a million and one other things. One of the hardest things we can do is invest all that time teaching them all those essential principles, and then step back and let them make their own choices. Yet, that is exactly what we did this summer. We taught our Clara about baptism, about Christ, about ordinances of salvation, and covenants; then we stepped back and let her make the choice about whether or not she wanted to be baptized. She didn't even hesitate; she couldn't wait to follow the example of Jesus Christ. I believe children have the gift of belief, and seeing her exercise her ability to choose faith and righteousness made my heart extremely happy.
What a year it's been. There has been so much good! Although I don't wish to go through it again, I wouldn't change any of it.
Emerson said, "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
So, welcome 2018!
I believe that we will find what we look for. If you look for obstacles you will find them; if you acknowledge your blessings, you will recognize them. So, in an effort to express my gratitude to God for the last year of my life, I'm creating the top 12 list for 2017 (10 just wasn't going to cut it!).
12. Personal Finance and Self-Reliance facilitator
This fall I had the opportunity to be a facilitator in a self-reliance program sponsored by our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I chose the personal finance class because finances are a part of our lives every day and I think it's always a good idea to brush up on or re-learn basic core principles in anything you do. Over the course of this 12 week program I was able to face a really hard struggle within myself. I think because I am a stay-at-home mom, I can sometimes question the importance of my purpose. The course asked us to picture where we'd be in 5 years. I sarcastically thought, "Well, I'll probably be doing the exact same thing that I'm doing now: cleaning dirty dishes, dealing with large piles of laundry, and grappling with weekly meal planning." For a few days I became a little bit depressed and cynical about my role in our home. I felt invisible. Everything I do for my family gets undone with incredible speed. Being a mother doesn't earn you a lot of praise and accolades. More often than not, I'm just tired and willing myself to do the jobs that I've already done a thousand times over. Through a bit of a self-discovery process, and the support of my own mother, I realized that I can look at being a mother one of two ways: 1) as a slave to ungrateful people and never ending lists of to-dos, errands, and monotonous tasks that I don't enjoy OR 2) as a shaper of a happy and thriving home, that is a haven for my children and husband where they always feel safe and loved. I chose the latter. I am blessed and grateful that I was able to make that choice. So, I hit my knees and started asking my Heavenly Father for the gifts I need to be able to fulfill this role the way that he would have me do it. It's drawn me closer to Him, and changed even the way I view the most mundane of tasks.
11. My cyst
This summer, I developed a cyst in my left breast that continued to grow and became extremely painful. After ruling out that it wasn't a tumor, I grappled with how to just live with it. It grew more and more painful every day and nursing my baby became almost unbearable. My husband and I had a consultation with a surgeon to see what could be done, and if it could actually be removed. The surgeon told me that as long as I was still nursing there wasn't anything that he could do to help me. If I was still nursing and he performed the surgery, it could rupture a milk duct and then cause complications with my milk leaking out the incision, and never allowing it to heal. We both left that consultation feeling sick. We didn't know what to do; no realistic solutions were presenting themselves. Not 24 hours later, the cyst ruptured on its own as I was nursing the baby. After extensive treatment here at home with oils and Redmond Clay, the cyst went away completely. During this process my baby weaned herself. While this may not sound like a blessing, two months later, when my son was admitted to the hospital for almost a week, I could see the hand of the Lord in preparing us for that trial. Had I needed to nurse my baby and try to be there for my son at the same time I can only imagine the disaster that would have caused. Instead, I was blessed with the peace of mind that I could be with him when I needed to.
10. Postpartum depression
I've talked a little bit about my postpartum issues before, so I'll try not to belabor this too much. I think the biggest blessing that came out of this was empathy. I never understood mental illness before I experienced this. I've always been a "pull up by the bootstraps" kind of person. I had no idea how debilitating and crushing it can be. I know people that struggle with all different kinds of mental illnesses, and these people are my heroes. It leaves me in complete awe that they endure the constant struggle that they do every single day. Mental illness is very real to me now, and I'm very grateful that that reality has been able to replace frustration with empathy and understanding.
9. Saturday's Warrior
In the midst of the postpartum issues, I was able to participate in a small production of a musical called Saturday's Warrior. To a certain extent, this helped me heal. It helped me remember who I am and joys that I had forgotten. It helped me remember that it is important to do things that make me happy.
8. Announcement of the Saratoga Springs temple
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced a temple was coming to our city. I love serving in the temple. I worked my whole life to ensure that I would be able to participate in the blessings of the temple. I was married and sealed for eternity to my best friend in the temple. I have taken the names of deceased ancestors to the temple to give them the opportunity to accept the faith that has brought my life so much joy. The news that we would have the blessings of a temple even closer than we already do somehow confirmed in my mind that this is where God wants us right now. We are in the right place at the right time; that confirmation has brought me an immense amount of peace.
7. Falling in love with baking again
Since July of this year, I've been getting sick on a regular basis with severe stomach pain and other issues that accompany that. One of the things that I felt impressed to do was start making and eating natural yeast bread again. It is a bit of a process to make natural yeast bread because it takes at least a whole day, sometimes two. After having my baby, it was just something I'd never gotten back to. After praying about what I could do to help my body, I felt impressed to start making this bread again. Now, not only is my family eating healthy, delicious bread again, but I have rediscovered my love of baking. It really makes me happy to make good food!
6. Mountain biking
I went on a mountain biking adventure with my brother and his wife, my dad, and my baby sister. It was a blast. I loved it. I like doing things I've never done before (I'd only gone once before this). I love that feeling of accomplishment when you survive something you weren't sure you could (haha - theme of the year, right?!), but you have the satisfaction that says, "Yep, I totally just did that!" It helps me realize that maybe I shouldn't be so worried about how things are going to turn out before I even try them.
5. Abigail's broken arm
I'm trying harder to trust my children and give them the benefit of the doubt. Abigail is a pretty self-aware little girl with a high pain tolerance and a love of life. The office at her school called me to tell me she'd fallen off some playground equipment and she was saying that her arm hurt. I'm sure they see injuries like this all the time with kids who have quite a flair for drama. They told me they gave her some ice to put on it, but that they were pretty sure she'd be fine. When I asked if I could speak with her, as soon as I heard her little voice I knew that she wasn't just being dramatic. I asked her if she thought I needed to come and pick her up and she said, "Yes mommy, please come get me." I am still relieved that I listened to her. As soon as I picked her up she didn't complain, whine, or cry; she simply told me she needed to go see a doctor. I think that was her way of expressing gratitude that I'd believed her. We took her to the InstaCare and she'd broken through both bones in her arm. When the doctor came in to tell her, she looked at me with eyes shining and said, "Well, this will be a new and exciting experience for me!" She amazes me. She is so positive and happy even when she's just received not-so-sunny news. I hope I can be just like her when I grow up. I got a glimpse of a beautiful side of her divine nature. She is such a gift to me and to our family.
4. Benjamin in the hospital
I've written about that experience before, so once again, let's not belabor this. Going along with the theme of number 5, seeing my son in the hospital gave me the chance to see just how strong my little man is. More than that, however, I was given the gift of service. So many people willingly reached out and asked what they could do for our family over and over again. Many people brought us meals, a group of women cleaned and organized our home, people came to visit and take care of us. Words are not adequate to express the gratitude we have felt to those who extended their hands out toward our family. My sweet husband said it best when he said, "You have the most wonderful friends, Love! This kind of Christ-like service makes me weepy because it's pure goodness. This is the cleanest our house has been since before all the kiddos started getting sick. What an awesome thing! I hope they all get drowned with blessings." To think that some people say that angels aren't real...
3. Blessing Alaina
Although welcoming this sweet baby into our family didn't go as smoothly as I imagined, it doesn't make me an ounce less grateful that she is here. The pure innocence and beauty of babies has always testified of a Father in Heaven who is so full of light and goodness; that he lets someone as clumsy and sullied as me be a mother still makes me wonder exactly what he's thinking. Her blessing day was a beautiful one. We were surrounded by people that loved us and that celebrated this pure little spirit with us. It was a beautiful day.
2. Finishing the Book of Mormon as a family
This was a blessing that was four years in the making. It was a struggle, but we did it! Reading scriptures with kids can often be chaos. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to grasp for something spiritual, it doesn't happen. However, with regard to this blessing I can testify that it will only bear fruit through consistency. I want my children to know God. I have a husband who shares and supports that same endeavor. United, we've chosen to make it a priority and it was such a sweet day when we knew that we hadn't been perfect, but we'd been as consistent as possible. Then, the next day, we started over! The good news is, that on our second go around, we are on track to finish in half the time of the first go around. Progress!
1. Clara's Baptism
This summer I got a glimpse of what it will be like when this sweet little girl leaves home. Ultimately, you do all you can to teach your children discernment, kindness, strong work ethic, wise decision making, morality, closeness to God, service, a desire to be good, and a million and one other things. One of the hardest things we can do is invest all that time teaching them all those essential principles, and then step back and let them make their own choices. Yet, that is exactly what we did this summer. We taught our Clara about baptism, about Christ, about ordinances of salvation, and covenants; then we stepped back and let her make the choice about whether or not she wanted to be baptized. She didn't even hesitate; she couldn't wait to follow the example of Jesus Christ. I believe children have the gift of belief, and seeing her exercise her ability to choose faith and righteousness made my heart extremely happy.
What a year it's been. There has been so much good! Although I don't wish to go through it again, I wouldn't change any of it.
Emerson said, "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
So, welcome 2018!
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