I've put off the impression to write for a while now, but today, I've decided it's time. On February 14th of this year, my husband and I found out that we were expecting our 5th child. We were stunned. Well, let me clarify: I was stunned. After our fourth baby, around the time she was six months old, I hit a pretty jarring rock bottom with postpartum depression. To read more about it, go to Remember, This Is Your Gift. After going through that I would just look at Joe and say, "There's no way I can have more babies. I was so lost and it scared me." He would look at my sympathetically, but I could tell that idea wasn't sitting right with him. His simple reply was always, "Well, we don't have to make that decision right now. Let's just wait and see." It wasn't that I didn't want more children, it's just that I really questioned my ability to handle more.
When we decided to add a fourth child, I felt the impression so strongly that it was time, I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I remember pulling out my charts and my tracking sheets and thinking that October would be a great time to have the baby. I even worked in a buffer so that we would have a few extra months to work out a due date sometime in October. Well, the months came and went, and our October timetable went flying out the window. I began to wonder a couple things. First I wondered why I'd felt the impression so strongly that it was time to expand our family (something I still wonder about because it's never been quite clear to me why that was), and second I began wondering if another baby was in the cards for us at all (melodramatic, I know). It wasn't until I gained and extra five to seven pounds and switched to basal temperature tracking that we finally were able to get pregnant, 15 months from when we originally started trying. I'm not complaining about the time it took us to get pregnant, but I guess I got pretty comfortable with the idea that we'd probably never have a surprise pregnancy... hahaha. Silly me.
Then, voilà! Sure enough, we got our surprise with baby number 5! One misconception that I had about a surprise pregnancy was that at least I'd know that it was what Heavenly Father wanted for our family. All those months when we were trying for a baby and not getting pregnant, I kept wondering if maybe I'd somehow misunderstood those promptings I'd received; maybe it wasn't the right time and maybe we weren't supposed to be expanding our family. Now that I've had a surprise pregnancy, the thoughts and doubts don't necessarily go away, but the message just changes. Now I've had thoughts wondering what Heavenly Father is thinking, if I can really handle this, etc. It's really opened my eyes to how hard Satan works to destroy good things and doubt God's plan for us. Really, I'm not the one in control, and I never have been. Control is an illusion. That is why it is so important that I simply turn everything in my life over to Him and trust in his timing.
And then, there is my Joe. I woke up early on Valentine's Day and took the pregnancy test. I sat in the bathroom for probably half an hour because I was trying to wrap my head around the result. When I came out, I put the positive test on the bathroom counter, walked back to bed, pulled the covers over my body and said to Joe, "Happy Valentine's Day darlin'. Your present is on the counter." I wasn't sure what to expect in terms of a reaction, but I'm not putting it lightly when I say this man of mine keeps giving me reasons to love and appreciate him every single day I am married to him. He walked back over to our bed with the biggest smile on his face. I said, "Well, what do you think?" he looked at me and said, "Baby, this is amazing. I'm so excited." I am so blessed to call that man mine.
The miraculous thing about this 5th pregnancy was that when we worked out the due date, we found that baby number 5 would be arriving in October. Now, I know a lot of people may think that is such a fun coincidence. I, however, will forever know that the Lord listened to every single prayer, felt every single moment of heartache, and paid attention to every single tear that was shed while we were waiting for a baby. That was his simple way of telling me, "I heard you. Trust me."
In the early stages of the pregnancy probably around 6 weeks, I got really sick. I couldn't eat or keep down much and I was really worried about the baby. I asked Joe to give me a priesthood blessing. In the blessing, Joe promised me healing through my faith in Christ and assured me that the baby would be fine. A day or two later I felt so much better and life continued on as normal. Then, right around 7 weeks and a few days, I felt a sudden gush of blood and some really severe cramping. I'd never miscarried before, but I'd never had anything like that happen with any of my other pregnancies, so a miscarriage was the only thing I could assume was happening.
Amidst my own sobbing and brimming emotions, at the forefront of my thoughts was, "How do I tell Joe?" About an hour later, I finally sent him a text saying, "I'm losing the baby. I'm so sorry." The next thing I knew he'd come home from work and sat at my side for the rest of the day, just holding me and letting me bawl. We sat in silence quite a bit, but when we talked he said, "I just don't get it." "What do you mean?" I asked him. He said, "I felt so clearly when I gave you that blessing that the baby would fine; that the baby would be healthy and everything would be okay." We consoled ourselves by saying maybe that was the Lord's way of telling us that ultimately everything would be okay even if the baby didn't make it.
I called my mom and I talked to my midwife and both prepared me for what to expect. Then, just as I was bracing myself for the worst, the bleeding and the cramping both stopped. I wasn't sure what to do. I was so sure I'd lost the baby that I almost couldn't let myself hope that maybe everything might be all right after all. After talking with my midwife a few times, she assured me that if everything had stopped there would be no reason to assume I'd lost the pregnancy. She also warned me that things could start up again, so not to get my hopes to high. She'd see me at 11 weeks and we'd check for a heartbeat. Those next four weeks were excruciating as I desperately tried to contain conflicting emotions on either side of the liminal space I hovered in. In the back of my mind however, I clung to the words that Joe had promised in the priesthood blessing. I walked in to my 11 week appointment with a "but, if not" attitude; I would still love and trust God whether this baby was alive or not. And then, we had miracle #2: there was a heartbeat.
Elder Donald L. Hallstrom said, "Today I testify of miracles. Being a child of God is a miracle. Receiving a body in His image and likeness is a miracle. The gift of a Savior is a miracle. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a miracle. The potential for eternal life is a miracle. While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children. No matter our ethnicity, no matter our nationality, no matter what we have done if we repent, no matter what may have been done to us—all of us have equal access to these miracles. We are living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead."
Now, I am 29 weeks pregnant and our baby girl is due October 20th. The rest of the pregnancy has been pretty uneventful other than a few weeks of morning sickness. I felt how close this story came to having a sad ending, so how can I not be full of gratitude and happiness for Heavenly Father's mercy? I am not a perfect person or mother, but Christ doesn't expect that of me, so how can I expect that of myself? I can promise him every day that I will keep trying and do better. Elder Lynn G. Robbins said, "Repentance is God’s ever-accessible gift that allows and enables us to go from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm. Repentance isn’t His backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will. This is the gospel of repentance, and as President Russell M. Nelson has observed, it will be 'a lifetime curriculum.'" I am grateful for the mercy of Jesus Christ and the goodness of our ever-present and loving Heavenly Father. He knows us. He listens to us. He does not abandon us. Miracles have not ceased; we just have to look for them.
When we decided to add a fourth child, I felt the impression so strongly that it was time, I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I remember pulling out my charts and my tracking sheets and thinking that October would be a great time to have the baby. I even worked in a buffer so that we would have a few extra months to work out a due date sometime in October. Well, the months came and went, and our October timetable went flying out the window. I began to wonder a couple things. First I wondered why I'd felt the impression so strongly that it was time to expand our family (something I still wonder about because it's never been quite clear to me why that was), and second I began wondering if another baby was in the cards for us at all (melodramatic, I know). It wasn't until I gained and extra five to seven pounds and switched to basal temperature tracking that we finally were able to get pregnant, 15 months from when we originally started trying. I'm not complaining about the time it took us to get pregnant, but I guess I got pretty comfortable with the idea that we'd probably never have a surprise pregnancy... hahaha. Silly me.
Then, voilà! Sure enough, we got our surprise with baby number 5! One misconception that I had about a surprise pregnancy was that at least I'd know that it was what Heavenly Father wanted for our family. All those months when we were trying for a baby and not getting pregnant, I kept wondering if maybe I'd somehow misunderstood those promptings I'd received; maybe it wasn't the right time and maybe we weren't supposed to be expanding our family. Now that I've had a surprise pregnancy, the thoughts and doubts don't necessarily go away, but the message just changes. Now I've had thoughts wondering what Heavenly Father is thinking, if I can really handle this, etc. It's really opened my eyes to how hard Satan works to destroy good things and doubt God's plan for us. Really, I'm not the one in control, and I never have been. Control is an illusion. That is why it is so important that I simply turn everything in my life over to Him and trust in his timing.
And then, there is my Joe. I woke up early on Valentine's Day and took the pregnancy test. I sat in the bathroom for probably half an hour because I was trying to wrap my head around the result. When I came out, I put the positive test on the bathroom counter, walked back to bed, pulled the covers over my body and said to Joe, "Happy Valentine's Day darlin'. Your present is on the counter." I wasn't sure what to expect in terms of a reaction, but I'm not putting it lightly when I say this man of mine keeps giving me reasons to love and appreciate him every single day I am married to him. He walked back over to our bed with the biggest smile on his face. I said, "Well, what do you think?" he looked at me and said, "Baby, this is amazing. I'm so excited." I am so blessed to call that man mine.
The miraculous thing about this 5th pregnancy was that when we worked out the due date, we found that baby number 5 would be arriving in October. Now, I know a lot of people may think that is such a fun coincidence. I, however, will forever know that the Lord listened to every single prayer, felt every single moment of heartache, and paid attention to every single tear that was shed while we were waiting for a baby. That was his simple way of telling me, "I heard you. Trust me."
In the early stages of the pregnancy probably around 6 weeks, I got really sick. I couldn't eat or keep down much and I was really worried about the baby. I asked Joe to give me a priesthood blessing. In the blessing, Joe promised me healing through my faith in Christ and assured me that the baby would be fine. A day or two later I felt so much better and life continued on as normal. Then, right around 7 weeks and a few days, I felt a sudden gush of blood and some really severe cramping. I'd never miscarried before, but I'd never had anything like that happen with any of my other pregnancies, so a miscarriage was the only thing I could assume was happening.
Amidst my own sobbing and brimming emotions, at the forefront of my thoughts was, "How do I tell Joe?" About an hour later, I finally sent him a text saying, "I'm losing the baby. I'm so sorry." The next thing I knew he'd come home from work and sat at my side for the rest of the day, just holding me and letting me bawl. We sat in silence quite a bit, but when we talked he said, "I just don't get it." "What do you mean?" I asked him. He said, "I felt so clearly when I gave you that blessing that the baby would fine; that the baby would be healthy and everything would be okay." We consoled ourselves by saying maybe that was the Lord's way of telling us that ultimately everything would be okay even if the baby didn't make it.
I called my mom and I talked to my midwife and both prepared me for what to expect. Then, just as I was bracing myself for the worst, the bleeding and the cramping both stopped. I wasn't sure what to do. I was so sure I'd lost the baby that I almost couldn't let myself hope that maybe everything might be all right after all. After talking with my midwife a few times, she assured me that if everything had stopped there would be no reason to assume I'd lost the pregnancy. She also warned me that things could start up again, so not to get my hopes to high. She'd see me at 11 weeks and we'd check for a heartbeat. Those next four weeks were excruciating as I desperately tried to contain conflicting emotions on either side of the liminal space I hovered in. In the back of my mind however, I clung to the words that Joe had promised in the priesthood blessing. I walked in to my 11 week appointment with a "but, if not" attitude; I would still love and trust God whether this baby was alive or not. And then, we had miracle #2: there was a heartbeat.
Elder Donald L. Hallstrom said, "Today I testify of miracles. Being a child of God is a miracle. Receiving a body in His image and likeness is a miracle. The gift of a Savior is a miracle. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a miracle. The potential for eternal life is a miracle. While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children. No matter our ethnicity, no matter our nationality, no matter what we have done if we repent, no matter what may have been done to us—all of us have equal access to these miracles. We are living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead."
Now, I am 29 weeks pregnant and our baby girl is due October 20th. The rest of the pregnancy has been pretty uneventful other than a few weeks of morning sickness. I felt how close this story came to having a sad ending, so how can I not be full of gratitude and happiness for Heavenly Father's mercy? I am not a perfect person or mother, but Christ doesn't expect that of me, so how can I expect that of myself? I can promise him every day that I will keep trying and do better. Elder Lynn G. Robbins said, "Repentance is God’s ever-accessible gift that allows and enables us to go from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm. Repentance isn’t His backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will. This is the gospel of repentance, and as President Russell M. Nelson has observed, it will be 'a lifetime curriculum.'" I am grateful for the mercy of Jesus Christ and the goodness of our ever-present and loving Heavenly Father. He knows us. He listens to us. He does not abandon us. Miracles have not ceased; we just have to look for them.
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