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There's Nothing Wrong with You...

When I was younger, my dad would frequently quote the following poem:

If you can smile when things go wrong
And say it doesn't matter,
If you can laugh off cares and woe
And trouble makes you fatter,

 If you can keep a cheerful face
When all around are blue,
Then have your head examined, bud,
There's something wrong with you.

 For one thing I've arrived at:
There are no ands and buts,
A guy that's grinning all the time
Must be completely nuts.

 ["Smile, Darn You, Smile," as quoted by Jeffrey R Holland, "The Will of the Father," Jan,17, 1989.]

I love that he quoted this poem to my siblings and me. It helped me feel like I didn't need to be perfect. Mistakes are okay. We don't have to love or even like our trials and afflictions and it's okay if we can't muster the strength to smile through them.

Now, as I think about my life, I'm struggling. I have a very good life! I have an incredible husband, four beautiful children, a home, and a plethora of other blessings. Yet, I have days when I think my kids deserve better than me; when I can't quite reconcile the wife that I think my husband deserves, and the one he's stuck with; when being happy feels like climbing a mountain covered slick mud and I can never quite get to the top because I can't stop slipping. I have days when I don't want to clean my house, when I get so exhausted by my kids fighting or licking each other, when I feel like my only purpose is to be a cooking and cleaning machine. Admittedly, I suffer from the ailment of perfectionism. I want to believe that I can do things well. I want to succeed. I want to feel like I'm not wasting my time and potential. Some days however, none of that feels possible.

Then yesterday, my five-year-old came to me sobbing. She'd had a bit of a rough day. I'd gotten after her quite a bit for being cranky and fighting with her brother and sister. Finally, I looked at her and said, "What is going on with you? Where is my happy girl? You are not an angry kid! What's going on?" As she wrapped her arms around my neck, she exclaimed, "Why is it so hard to be alive? Why can't I be as good as I'm supposed to be? I just don't know how to do this, mom. I just don't know how to be happy!" My heart ached for her, but I knew exactly how she was feeling. I struggled with what to say to a five-year-old that could articulate a lot of the emotions that had been percolating in me for months in four tidy sentences.

Now, this was one of those moments as a mom that I knew I needed to teach her, but how could I teach my child something that I'm still trying to figure out? I have four children and I'm still a rookie. I have no idea what I'm doing! I think there was a brief moment when I only had one child, and I sat there thinking, "I've got this" (it probably lasted 30 seconds, or less).

In that moment with my five-year-old, I closed my eyes, said a silent prayer, pulled her close, and opened my mouth hoping something she needed would come out. I was surprised by the words that God put in my mouth, because I believe he wanted me to hear them too. "You are wonderful. You are enough. I love you so much! Don't worry, you don't have to do this alone. I'm here to help you. We'll do this together. Everyone has bad days, and everyone makes mistakes. Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person. Just keep trying. We can figure this out together."

So, if today I don't feel like putting a smile on, and it's harder to brush aside frustrations, and the thought that I can do anything feels simply juvenile and laughable, that's okay. I'm still loved, I still have value, and not every day has to be like this. Just keep trying. Thank goodness for tomorrows!

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