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The Time Has Come

 I have decided it is time for me to start writing more. I love writing and have been without it for far too long. For a while it was telling myself that there is a time and a season for all things and that it just wasn't my "writing season." I think this was an attempt to simplify a chaotic life. All that I discovered, however, is that I cut out something that I love, and there was still chaos. It's not worth it.

Let's be honest: having five kids is a little bit of madness. I remember when we told some close friends that we were pregnant with our fifth, and the husband looked at me and said, "You guys are just crazy." I smiled and thought, You aren't telling me anything I don't already know. But what I couldn't articulate in that moment was how excited was. I new this baby was supposed to be a part of our family. Sure, I had doubts in my abilities to be a mother of five. But, I knew that this baby was waiting to come. That excited me. We weren't complete until she arrived. I also knew that God loved this baby so much, that he was going to help me through my failures. 

Most of my children are unnaturally motivated high-achievers, and I love it. They will approach me with and idea - I want to try out of this team, I want to play this instrument, I want to start a business, I want to be on student council, I need to go and visit my friend - and I have made it my policy to support them, even if the idea sounds far-fetched, unnecessary, or even bizarre. If my child is coming to me of their own accord, willingly desiring to explore, experience, and grow, who am I to stand in their way? I don't ever want to be the influence that tells them they can't do something, because heaven knows, those influences come from so many other sources.

This policy, however idealistic does have definite drawbacks. Much of my life is spent in the car, taking them to their various activities, appointments, etc. Because of this, audiobooks and podcasts have become my friends. It my policy to talk to the kids when they are in the car with me, but as I'm driving back and forth alone, that is my time to listen. Another drawback is that a lot of our finances are tied up in these goals they've set. So, we don't have these epic experiences travelling the world and seeing different cultures and people. Some people very openly scoffed at this decision. Though this thinking may be flawed, my hope is that if I can't encourage and foster my children's desires to act, that they will have what they need to create those life-changing experiences for themselves. Those desires to do and see and experience will come on their terms. Who knows? Maybe we have done this the wrong way and it is something we will come to regret later. The other major drawback is that sometimes it is literally physically impossible to be in all the places we need to be. My oldest being able to drive now has alleviated some of that, but the struggle is real and tangible. It makes my heart sick to have to miss something that one of my kids are involved in. 

Case in point: Yesterday I stood in the rain for two hours as Clara threw javelin and discus for the track team. It is her first year doing track, and I wanted her to know I was so proud of her for being brave and trying something new. It was the first time I'd been able to see her throw. Despite the fact that it decided to rain buckets yesterday (hallelujah) I was not to be deterred. I was going to be there - raincoat and all. She did a marvelous job! Now, don't misunderstand, she's throwing with girls that have been doing this a long time, and she's still a long way away from them. What I loved the most though, was her huge smile when she came running up to me and said, "Mom! I improved my PR by 6 inches!" That was amazing to me. She wasn't discouraged or frustrated by comparing herself to others, she was focused on her own self-improvement. She wasn't there for anyone else other than herself.

So circling back to writing: I've decided I'm going to do this for me. I'm a self-diagnosed perfectionist, and people-pleaser. Because of this, and this is a recent phenomena for me, I've let fear start convincing me that it isn't even worth trying. I used to be so good at doing things that made me happy. But for some reason, now, I'm experiencing a lot more fear about writing. So, I'm not going to be deterred. It is time!

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