Have Your Head Examined

I've put off the impression to write for a while now, but today, I've decided it's time. On February 14th of this year, my husband and I found out that we were expecting our 5th child. We were stunned. Well, let me clarify: I was stunned. After our fourth baby, around the time she was six months old, I hit a pretty jarring rock bottom with postpartum depression. To read more about it, go to  Remember, This Is Your Gift . After going through that I would just look at Joe and say, "There's no way I can have more babies. I was so lost and it scared me." He would look at my sympathetically, but I could tell that idea wasn't sitting right with him. His simple reply was always, "Well, we don't have to make that decision right now. Let's just wait and see." It wasn't that I didn't want more children, it's just that I really questioned my ability to handle more. When we decided to add a fourth child, I felt the impression so strongl...

As I looked back on everything that happened during 2017, my initial reaction was one of relief that the year was over. I started taking a mental inventory of all the challenging things I'd gone through. When I'd finished, I was depressed, and once again, felt relief that the year was over. After stewing on this for a few days, I was frustrated by my feelings about the last year of my life.  Was it a waste? Had it all been challenges? Could I find no light at all? I believe that we will find what we look for. If you look for obstacles you will find them; if you acknowledge your blessings, you will recognize them. So, in an effort to express my gratitude to God for the last year of my life, I'm creating the top 12 list for 2017 (10 just wasn't going to cut it!). 12. Personal Finance and Self-Reliance facilitator This fall I had the opportunity to be a facilitator in a self-reliance program sponsored by our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I ...

Tonight I'm feeling impressed to write about an experience that pushed me pretty close to my breaking point. It is still about a month fresh. I have one son. He brings me so much joy. He and I have a wonderful relationship. He is a boy; he is crazy, energetic, happy, somber, serious, playful, thoughtful, protective, and loving. It makes me crazy and yet melts my heart when he says, "Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM, MOM...," in increasing volumes in an attempt to get my attention. When I finally say, "WHAT?!" he gets very serious and says, "I love you mom." He goes out of his way to make sure that I know he loves me, and helps me remember to seize opportunities to express my love to my children. On Tuesday, November 14th I held Joy School at my house. We have a group of 5 kids that get together and learn how to learn. It was my turn to give the lesson and activities that week. Joy School ended at 11. Around 12:15 my mother-in-law came over to watch my kids so I ...

This is from a letter I wrote to my brother this fall. This is to help me remember. "Oh, remember these words, and keep my commandments. Remember, this is your gift." -D&C 8:5 "It was a pretty rough summer for me. I pretty much hit rock bottom. Having babies hasn't been too hard for me, but with Alaina, things were a bit different. She is an incredible baby. She is so happy and spunky. You will absolutely love her! Things went really smoothly with her delivery and bringing her home was all good. The kids adore her. The problem was more with me. I got postpartum depression pretty bad. Hormones can be very unforgiving. Basically, I felt worthless. I felt like my kids deserved so much better than me; that I would never be a good enough mom. I was angry all the time, I was crying all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy, and this was going on for months. It got to the point one day where the three kids were fighting and crying, Alaina was crying, and I almo...

I believe there are two kinds of perfection: superficial perfection and godly perfection. Superficial perfection is this ideal that we build up that we can do it all and have it all without error or mishap. Happiness has been achieved; it's a simple box with a giant check mark in it. Godly perfection, on the other hand, is very personal, very humbling, and can only begin to be achieved, ironically, by acknowledging that we cannot overcome our own weaknesses alone; that we can only be perfected through Christ. I believe the former is a counterfeit of the latter. Today I went to a baby shower for a friend that I work out with. The lady that hosted the baby shower had a beautiful home. In fact, I was a bit blown away as I walked through the front door. As a side note, my husband and I have been touring the parade of homes this week. I remember telling him (more for my benefit than his), "I think I have to be careful as we do this because I don't want all these beautiful hom...

My dad is an incredible man. Although he swears that he wasn't always this way, he is incredibly good. He is a hard worker, a planner, a competitor, and a goofball. He loves and respects my mother. He finds joy and fulfillment in his children. He loves adventures, and I don't think I've ever seen him be afraid of anything. And yet, through a simple experience I realized there is still so much I don't know about him. After having my fourth baby I had a brief period of postpartum depression. My dad has always been a great listener. As my dad and I were driving home from a trail race we'd run together, I was describing a lot of my feelings during the depression. He quietly listened and then after a moment or two he said, "Did you know that I went through a period of depression?" It was as if someone had thumped me on the head. I had no clue. He said he'd never forget how depression had made him feel. He felt convinced that he couldn't do anything ri...

When I was younger, my dad would frequently quote the following poem: If you can smile when things go wrong And say it doesn't matter, If you can laugh off cares and woe And trouble makes you fatter, If you can keep a cheerful face When all around are blue, Then have your head examined, bud, There's something wrong with you. For one thing I've arrived at: There are no ands and buts, A guy that's grinning all the time Must be completely nuts. ["Smile, Darn You, Smile," as quoted by Jeffrey R Holland, "The Will of the Father," Jan,17, 1989.] I love that he quoted this poem to my siblings and me. It helped me feel like I didn't need to be perfect. Mistakes are okay. We don't have to love or even like our trials and afflictions and it's okay if we can't muster the strength to smile through them. Now, as I think about my life, I'm struggling. I have a very good life! I have an incredible husband, four beautiful chi...